Sick notes will fly but not cabinet resignations when Ramaphosa returns from Bali

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Tuesday.

President Cyril Ramaphosa is in Bali at the G20 meeting, making nice with the heads of state of the world’s most powerful nations and charging his personal electronic devices in anticipation of his return to our fair but electrically under-resourced Republic.

The so-called radical economic transformation (RET) forces in the party — who were, we are told, going to force Cyril to stand down at the national executive committee (NEC) meeting at the weekend — appear to be in hiding, licking their wounds, while waiting for the payday ping from the presidency.

That pretty much says it all when it comes to who won at the NEC’s weekend meeting — effectively the last opportunity his enemies in the party had to stop him from standing for a second term in December.

The media briefing by acting secretary general Paul Mashatile on Monday didn’t really tell us much about what the NEC, and Ramaphosa, had to say about the Phala Phala matter — or who got the three points.

But how and where Cyril and his opponents in the ANC’s top leadership spent their respective Mondays may be a fair indication of how things actually panned out, despite what the RET bots —  human, virtual and otherwise — had to say over the weekend.

According to the RETs, Ramaphosa was never going to survive the NEC and was getting the heave from the comrades over the integrity commission’s draft report on the theft of several mission dollars at his game farm.

Thuma Mina was done for and would, they said, be Ubering home from Nasrec on Sunday after breakfast and bye-bye, with a donkey cart on standby in case he didn’t have data.

Comrade Carl would, they prophesied, be defence minister by Sunday evening and not a clown in camouflage, standing outside the Sasol garage, statuesque in stupidity, while the leadership drove by.

Out there in Manyiland, Ramaphosa was a beaten man; tag-teamed into submission by presidential hopefuls Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma and Lindiwe Sisulu, with Zweli Mlhize — lurking as always — ready to take over as numero uno, Digital Vibes or not, in time for everybody to get home and watch Uyajola 99.

Come Sunday morning, the airwaves fell silent, the RETs went missing and Ramaphosa delivered his closing address to the NEC and jetted off to the G20 meeting as if nothing ever happened.

They’ve been hiding ever since.

The next cabinet meeting is going to be a laugh — at least if you’re Ramaphosa. 

If you’re Dlamini-Zuma, Sisulu or Nomvula Mokonyane, maybe less so.

I foresee a record number of sick notes when the director general in the presidency, Phindile Baleni, sends out the invites for the first gathering of the executive when Cyril gets home.

No resignations in protest  — there’s money, privilege and blue lights involved after all — just sudden family crises, dead aunts and uncles and sick notes.