Good times are coming as Ramaphosa plays the disaster card

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Wednesday.

Like many of my fellow South Africans, I’m simultaneously re-lieved and apprehensive about the decision by the ANC national executive committee (NEC) lekgotla this week to “encourage” president Cyril Ramaphosa to declare a national state of disaster in response to the electricity crisis.

Relieved, in that the governing party appears to have finally admitted that they have broken Eskom and that they need to fix it and bring more electricity suppliers onto the grid or they are gone next year.

Apprehensive, mainly because of the memory of what the ANC in government and their friends in the business community did to us the last time a disaster was declared and Cooperative Governance and Traditional Affairs Minister Nkosazana Disaster Zuma was given the keys to the country.

It’s hard to trust those who lead us not to raid the till if Ramaphosa does declare a state of disaster and normal tender and procurement procedures are set aside to speed up the refurbishment of Eskom.

After what happened to the emergency funding while we are all locked down during Covid-19, it’s difficult not to anticipate some Electrical Vibes drama a little further on up the road.

One hopes at least that the auditor general’s office and the Special Investigating Unit will be empowered to do live audits as transactions are being carried out, so that there’s no nail salons being bought with cardboard boxes of money looted from funds diverted from elsewhere to fix Eskom

Things could get crazy if Dlamini Zuma is let loose on the citizenry — in particular those among us who drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes — a second unwanted and undeserved lesson as to what would have happened if Ramaphosa hadn’t won at either of the last two ANC conferences.

Another cigarette ban is definitely loading. There’s clearly no way that banning smoking will assist the national effort to deal with load-shedding, but there’s still no evidence that it helped fight the spread of Covid-19 either, so the absence of reason is no reason for the minister not to act unreasonably.

Dlamini Zuma is still fighting in court not to provide the opposition with records justifying the decisions she took in 2020 and 2021, so it’s pretty clear that logic — and legality — were not necessarily involved in her decision-making back when Covid made her queen.

Perhaps Dlamini Zuma will go the whole hog again and smash us with a mask decree and a beach ban to help keep the lights on.

Logical, no, but again that’s never really been an issue.

Bheki Cele’s mob must be gagging for a lockdown 2.0, having tasted untrammelled power last time around.

Don’t discount having your door kicked in by amaberte for having the lights on at 2am; your head broken by the Public Order Policing Unit for keeping the geyser on overnight, once the forces of evil and reaction get going.

Good times are coming.

The Democratic Alliance, led by John the Tour Guide (for the moment) is, we are told, heading off to London to discuss the plan by South African Tourism and Tourism Minister Lindiwe Sisulu to give R1 billion to Tottenham Hotspur FC in return for advertising space on their match strip.

For once, I’m behind John, but in spirit, not body — there’s no way I would set foot in Tottenham Stadium, except as part of a red and white army camped in the away end — as he heads off to defend the public purse.

It’s not just that the plan is a waste of money — R1 billion to a team who haven’t won the league since 1961 and who have a global audience of 17, five of whom live in Durban, doesn’t sound too legit, especially when contracts — and ministerial terms — are reportedly about to end.

The average tea bag lasts longer in the cup — domestic and European — than Tottenham, so it’s pretty hard to imagine any real return on investment being generated by punters watching the Vermin play in cup tournaments on the TV and being so inspired by their losing performance that they decide to pop over to sunny SA for a holiday either.

The money would be better spent on Millwall, or Preston North End — any team with actual supporters who might come to our fine republic with their pounds, rather than Tottenham’s non-existent international following.

To borrow the first English words spoken by former Arsenal captain Patrick Vieira, Tottenham are shit, and there’s no way we should be coughing more than a third of our international advertising budget on them.

So I’m with John — on this one at least.